The Church’s “Bad RAP”…. are YOU Guilty of this?

You know those times when you’ve heard statements regarding the SAME TOPIC so many times in a short amount of time that you finally get to a point where you HAVE to speak up? Well this is one of those blogs…..

I’ve been in church all my life – I’m one of those “born in the pew” kind of preacher’s kids who, in spite of all they’ve seen and been through in churches, has still remained active in church and has been in paid ministry. In fact I still have a deep love for ministry thus the reason for my passion on various topics that I blog about.

What I’ve heard OVER AND OVER AGAIN recently is WHY people, not just those who are unchurched but those who were brought up in church or those who have attended church for a long time, have stopped attending corporate worship or who keep themselves on the periphery of “church.” The reasons I’ve heard have saddened me to the point of holding back tears and sometimes of wanting to scream. I cannot for the life of me figure out WHY we’ve turned church into such a bad place that people don’t want to be there?

There’s been a lot of personal reasons for me lately to distance myself from corporate worship and I’m going to share just a few of those with you…..

Following my late husband’s death I decided shortly thereafter to move on with my life. My choice of whom I moved on with did not meet other peoples approval because of reasons surrounding how we met etc. Unfortunately those who quickly passed judgment DID NOT seek out both sides of the story and ASSUMED (you know what they say about assuming….) the worst and never bothered to seek out the complete details. This resulted in various rumors, half truths, gossip in the form of an “intervention” at someone’s home (WITHOUT me present), and lots of ugly names being pinned on me. There were extenuating circumstances which led me to move on so quickly that many do not know about and frankly it’s none of their business but God knows and those that care about me and love me have been kind enough to come to me and ask me what was going on and now understand my reasons for doing so. The treatment I received from this “concerned group” at my home church has resulted in hurt that is deep and that has caused me to even have an anxiety attack about attending church on Easter which I worked through the first 20 minutes I was at another church because I will not step foot in my home church that I love and miss so much because those people are there and I won’t put myself through that.

Others that I’ve talked to seem to have the same themes – “we quit going because we can’t stand the gossip and back stabbing” “ I got sick of people being out of touch with the realities of life and hyper spiritualizing everything….” “The church is so full of politics it’s forgotten what the Church is really supposed to be doing” “The Pastor is so concerned with attracting younger people he’s forgotten about those of us who have been faithful and supported the church all these years….” And the list goes on and on but it’s not that I’ve heard these statements just once or twice, it’s repeatedly.

For me another reason I stopped going to church was that a church I was affiliated with for teaching wanted me to leave when I became involved with my fiancé – and get this – the MAIN reason was because the Pastor was concerned about what ANOTHER church would think about me teaching there. Let’s not consider the part of scripture that talks about taking care of widows and orphans, OR being concerned with someone’s soul – NO, his reason was how HE was going to LOOK in front of this other ethnic church in the area. Forget the fact that I NEEDED that job to support myself as a widow OR that I was NOT A CONTRACTED employee but an outside vendor at the time. Disappointed and hurt would be just a few words I would use regarding this Pastor that I respected for many years.

I could go on and on about the people who have been at the center of the hurt I’ve experienced lately. How they’ve encouraged discord and strife between me and my children instead of healing and reconciliation. Or how they in their own lives didn’t do the right thing while they were in ACTIVE ministry when it came to their personal lives (including fornication) or while they were attending church but kept it hidden. Funny how so many have dog poop in their own backyard’s that they can’t walk two steps without getting their shoes dirty but they’re quick to point out the ONE pile of poop you have in yours and make it into a mountain. They want you to exercise grace towards them but the grace YOU receive will be conditional from them.

What grieves me the MOST is when I think about what the church’s original job was in scripture, is that we have done nothing but give GOD a bad name. People automatically, churched or unchurched, associate Christians or “Christ followers” with words like “hypocrite” “Fake” “two faced” “Judgemental” or “self righteous” “money hungry” “users” and “social club.”   WOW – is THIS what we really want people to think of a loving, compassionate, merciful God? One who sent His Son for them and for us?

Through the years I’ve learned A LOT about God and what He is not – and unfortunately I can say that He is NOT what we see portrayed by some (notice I said SOME not ALL) Pastors and church people. What is more upsetting though is that those “church people” are never confronted about their behavior and allowed to continue what they’re doing without ever being told of the destruction they’ve left in the path they’ve walked.

Why is that? Well after being on staff at large and small ministries, I’ve learned that it can range from reasons that they are the “largest givers”, “have connections in the community” “they’ve been in the church the longest and are founding members” “they’re influential” “they’re very well liked” or they just plain out scare the tar out of the Pastor. So the behavior is allowed to continue and the damage keeps going. Another reason is that some Pastors just do NOT like confrontation and will avoid it at all costs.

I hate to sound like one of those “in the old days” types but I can tell you that my grandfather who was a pastor had no problems confronting issues and attitudes in the church “back in the day.” That’s not how it is now – it’s too messy or too draining to do that so the reign of terror continues.

Does this blog sound like I’m disgusted with church? Yes it does. Am I disgusted and upset with God – ABSOLUTELY NOT. If anything, what I’ve seen the last few years regarding the behaviors of those in church and those in leadership grieves me to no end and makes me want to be the opposite kind of leader they are and the opposite kind of Christian that the world sees from church people. It makes me more aware of what I want to be as far as the characteristics of God. I may have flaws and my life is NOT perfect by any means right now but I can tell you I am striving more and more each day to have God help me be the woman He’s called me to be, to allow me to show His love and compassion, to be a light and to help me walk as right as possible while I’m working my way back to Him.

My hope is that this blog strikes a chord in leaders and Pastors and that they will become bolder to find out both sides of a story before taking a side, that they will call their members on the carpet for these actions and attitudes and that they in their own lives will be careful how they represent Christ to others in the church and outside of the church.  That they will “keep it real” and that they will work towards changing the misconceptions that are out there about church and what the job of the church really is so that we can represent Christ for the loving, compassionate, merciful, joy-filled, HEALING God that He is.

Lose the Starch in your Shorts People….

Have you ever noticed that christians have a really bad tendency to segregate themselves from those who are not “church go-ers?” We’re called to go into the world and preach the Gospel and be examples of Christ and many are portraying a Christ who is snobby, selective and downright unfriendly and unloving.

I’m one of those kids who was “born in the pew.” My dad was a Pastor and trust me when I say I have seen it all. In fact there’s not much in church that surprises me at all. And then, of course, I decided to go from the frying pan into the fire by being in full time and part time ministry at various times in my life. WHAT was a I thinking? 🙂

I’ve noticed the tendency to be “cliquish” or “exclusive” mainly among women in the church. Especially those who are raising children. They feel by keeping their children away from “worldly” people they will protect them. Some even homeschool. Some send their kids to private religious schools In fact I’ve taught at faith based homeschool groups co-ops and found that some were sort of stand offish if you didn’t attend the church they attended or if your denomination was not the same as theirs. It even made me feel uncomfortable.

Here’s an example – a young mom took her kids to a local homeschool co-op in an affluent area here in Rochester, New York. She considers herself a christian but because her church has a woman priest, she was told to leave the co-op because her church wasn’t “christian enough.”

Here’s another one – and an all too frequent occurrance – parents who don’t attend church are not welcomed into faith based co-ops because they have no church affiliation. Also, parents who attend a mixed group of secular and christian parents are divided almost like in two sects. It’s as though the group is split down the middle because some are atheists or don’t attend church . Now don’t get me wrong, there are also secular groups who are very stand offish to christian families too and that’s not right but I wonder WHY they’re that way? Could it be the “In Your Face” approach that some christians use that turns them off?

I don’t condemn those in the christian homeschool groups for wanting to protect their kids and to keep things as God oriented as possible. I understand that. I agree with it to an extent but when I hear stories from others who have felt excluded and it hurt them, it really ticks me off that they are now turned off to christians and God because of someone’s actions.

When I grew up my parents didn’t tell me I couldn’t hang out with kids who didn’t attend my church or who were of another religion. My dad told me to love everyone and be nice to everyone and to treat them how I wanted to be treated and THAT would be how I could show Christ to them. So I did. I didn’t shove Jesus down anyone’s throat. I was just myself. Many of my school friends have told me that they admire my strong faith and that I’ve held on to that through the years. My life has spoken to them – isn’t that the whole idea?

As I got older I and went through some things over the years, I’ve taken the stance that my life is the biggest testimony of Jesus. That being REAL is vital. That there is NO ROOM for fake. It’s NOT how many christian friends I have and if I only hang out with christians. I don’t have a christian dr, a christian dentist or a christian mechanic.

When I was leading Moms groups in Florida, the one large group I was heading up had women that were methodist, presbyterian, catholic and pentecostal. AND GUESS WHAT? They ALL got along!! No one bothered to be ” too methodist” or “too pentecostal” to be friends with anyone else. In fact, I’ve watched them form some of the most supportive, strong bonds between each other that will last a life time. Another Moms group I ran which was smaller had women of churched and unchurched backgrounds and they ALL got along. They celebrated with each other, cried with each other, laughed with each other. It didn’t matter that they didn’t attend church. They were moms making a difference in each other’s lives.

What a difference we would make if we would just drop the “our church is holier than yours” mentality or “only the (insert denomnination name) are going to heaven” mentality. For awhile when I was younger I DID have the impression that only born again christians were going to heaven. My view on that has changed in that I have met many catholics, methodists and others who have such a close personal relationship with God and that know the Word of God so well that it puts alot of “born again” christians to shame.

So I’m saying this – LOSE THE STARCH IN YOUR SHORTS PEOPLE. Start acting REAL. Drop your superior attitudes and be the type of Jesus we see in the Bible that didn’t separate himself from people but that made himself available to people, that ate with sinners and that healed those in need.

Do you realize that the person you’re holding at arm’s length could be the “divine appointment” that God has for you? That YOU could be the person who makes a difference in that person’s life?

My husband worked with a guy that wasn’t a christian when he started working there. Dave never preached at him but he shared with him about his life and our family and occasionally mentioned God in the conversations and his walk with God. A few years later, that same guy came into work on a Monday morning and told my husband he had accepted Jesus at a men’s retreat because of Dave and his life style example. Dave had been the walking, living, breathing example of Jesus to that man. And it changed BOTH their lives.

Some of you may agree or disagree with my blog today and that’s ok. Maybe it will provoke you into thinking about how you act around people who aren’t churched or who don’t measure up to your ideas of a “christian.” It even might spur you on to befriend someone that you might be able to make a difference in their life.

Lose the starch and see how different things are – you’ll be surprised what a difference you can make.

Feel free to check out my other blogs – “The Mom Adventure” and “Cherylannbellavia”

Is Church Making You Sick? (humorous and not so humorous)

I’m sure after reading the title I’ve piqued your interest.  The title could be taken many ways but I’m referring to it in the vain of when the stress of church can actually make you PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY sick,

I grew up a Pastor’s kid as most of you may know if you’ve been following this blog.  That means born in the pew, never missed a service unless I was near death and spent more time in the church building than I did my own house.   I sort of had a triple whammy.  My Grandfather was the founding Pastor, my dad was the English speaking Pastor and my Uncle was the Italian speaking in our church – it was a bi-lingual non-denominational pentecostal church.  I couldn’t get away from the pastor connection thing no matter how hard I tried because my other grandfather was a pastor too, my grandfather’s brother was a pastor, my dad’s brother was a pastor, my dad’s brother in law was a Pastor and I have several cousins who are pastors.  We are FULL of Pastors in this family.  Not sure if that means we’re gluttons for punishment or we genuinely LOVE serving God and people but our you could always count on finding someone at a family function to pray. 🙂

Being from a Pastor’s family you’re very much aware of things that are going on around you.  Besides being a member of the “ruling monarchy” where your entire life is a fishbowl with what feels like 24 hours surveillance on you, you also “hear” things about the people in the church.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

My parents should have moved my bedroom to another spot in the house because we lived in a small cape cod style home in Upstate NY and the hallways were short and the bedrooms close.  My parents obviously figured that I was asleep and couldn’t hear them talking from my bedroom whether they were in the living room or their own bedroom but I heard EVERY word.  In fact, I’d lay there and practically break my neck trying to hear what they were saying.

I could catch the latest scoop on who was having marital issues, who’s husband drank too much, who was whining because they weren’t married yet and their biological clock was ticking, who was gossiping about who and which person this week you had to keep your eye on because they were trying to cause trouble in church.

Now please don’t take this the wrong way but in the culture I come from, some of the people tend to be “drama queens” both male and female.  THEY LOVE drama.  It’s just the way they’re wired – it’s as irritating as poison ivy but it’s the truth.  If felt like our church had more than it’s share of drama queens though.

Anyway – I don’t want to get off topic.  The amount of things that you hear when you’re in ministry can really get to you.  If you’re the Pastor or the Pastor’s wife, you have the unbelievable privilege to be the one people call, the one who hears their complaints, their “side” of the story, the one who gets to hear all the things you’re doing wrong, all the things your kids are doing wrong, etc.

You’re the victim of gossip, of two faced people, of not being able to have a person you can trust in confidence to talk things out (at least not in the church), and you keep alot to yourself.

My Grandfather was my first “protector”.  He was the most incredible man.  I was “grandpa’s girl” mainly because he lived with our family but he never let my mom discipline me and even told her one time that if she spanked me, he’d hit her back. I shouldn’t laugh every time I tell that story but it’s true.  He let NO ONE touch me.  My grandfather was a work horse from day one.  He worked a regular job and travelled to a couple of different towns on the weekends to preach services for small groups of italian congregations that needed a Pastor.  My grandmother died when my mom was seven years old.  They had four children at the time and my grandmother was in her mid 30’s and died from what they called, “Acute indigestion” which translates now into a heart attack.  He was left to raise those girls and depended on his oldest daughter to stay with them when he couldn’t be there.

They finally moved to Rochester and he acquired a church building for them to meet in.  He was the person that did everything that needed to be done in the church until my mom grew up and married my dad who by then was all ready a Pastor for a church in the Southern Tier of NY.   My other Uncle was now preaching there as well. The congregation grew and so did the trouble.  Things like letters from one Pastor to another were given to my grandfather warning him of a congregants bad behavior and tendency to cause problems in church.  There were fights about buildings, service times, who wanted to be on the church board – you name it, we had the drama.

I noticed the illness factor in my grandfather when I was about nine years old.  He was in and out of the hospital alot when I was a child.  He had stomach problems my mom would tell me until I learned later on that it was ulcers.  He kept alot inside about the things he endured as a Pastor.  The personal attacks, the people trying to split the church.

My mom, bless her heart,  went through some tough scrutiny, some nasty bouts of verbal attacks against her and her sisters and her dad, and it continued and got worse as she became one of the Pastor’s wives.  She was “very nervous.”  THAT would be an understatement.  My mom was as high strung as a Jack Russell terrier on Espresso.  She bit her nails, she had headaches, tons of stomach issues and even had a bout with colon cancer when I was six years old. She didn’t sleep well at night.  She and my father argued constantly about the things people from church would say when the phone rang over and over again EVERY Monday following the Sunday services while dad was working his full time job.

All that “nervousness” transferred itself to me because I started having stomach issues when I was about 10 years old and finally the pediatrician told my parents that I too had a “nervous stomach.”  My grandfather died shortly thereafter.  I was devastated.  No more learning to count in italian, no more stories about pagans and how I needed to stay away from the things of the world, no more stories, no more rides on his knee and no more hugs.  My dad and my uncle were now solely responsible for the church.  That was an interesting transition.

As the years went on, my aunt (who’s husband was the italian pastor), developed angina and a heart condition.  She finally got to the point where she couldn’t go to church because it would make her so nervous that she’d get chest pain and would be popping a couple of nitroglycerin pills during service and end up going home. My mom of course would get nervous because of it and basically it was a bundle of nerves the entire time.

My aunt passed away three days before her scheduled by pass surgery from a heart attack.  My uncle was heart broken.  There were very much in love.

My mom continued with the health issues – gall bladder attacks leading to surgery, unbelievable bouts with insomnia over ‘church stuff”.  My dad buried himself in overtime at Kodak and in doing things at church.  I sought refuge by getting involved in school stuff and taking on the role of Pastor’s wife because my mom had stopped going to church.  I hosted church dinners, I worked in the nursery, I sat in the church during counseling appointments in another room, I attended every service – and we had church FIVE times a week.  Thank God I was able to do homework during church. 🙂

My dad starting having health issues.  He ended up in the hospital needing surgery because his stomach was so messed up.  He recovered and was back at church immediately.

I developed migraine headaches at the age of nine.  I later found out those were stress related and hormone related.

Yeah – it was pretty much a mess in our house.

Let’s fast forward to my adult years.  I’ve endured my share of migraines, stomach pains and anxiety attacks from ministry positions.  I’ve seen my husband do the same.  I’ve seen us have sleepless nights. Our kids have seen the physical effects and the emotional effects of us being in ministry positions over the years.  Neither of my kids will attend church because of what they’ve seen us endure and what they heard their grandparents went through.  It saddens me more than I can put into words.

So if you’re finding yourself having sleepless nights, bad headaches, stiff necks, stomach pains, and whatever else I’m going to ask you to do this…..STOP IT.  IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

My father died from a massive heart attack two weeks following his 70th birthday.  He had resigned his position as pastor about two years earlier and my mom said he was stressed from something including some property that he was trying to hold onto from his childhood for the sake of another family member being able to live there.  She told me that for years before that he had recurring nightmares and would wake up hollering in his sleep.  She said that his blood pressure had been high.  It’s amazing the things your parents don’t tell you once you get married and move out of the house because they don’t want you to worry.  She told me he was quite hurt from the way he’d been treated before he resigned.  He had gotten to the point that after over 40 years of ministry, he had finally had enough.  He had to get out.   It was too much.

My mother died of colon cancer in 2005 and I can tell you as sure as I’m sitting here it was because of the bitterness she harboured until her last breath against the people that hurt her and our family so much over the years.  She could recall incidences as clear and as fresh as the day they happened up until a couple of weeks before she passed away.  I know this for a fact because she visited me six weeks before she died and and got on the tangent of what so and so did and I looked at her and said, “Mommy, PLEASE let it go.  They’ve moved on.  YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON TOO.”  By that time the bitterness had become so much a part of her that she got mad at me for saying that even though I KNEW she knew I was right.

My Uncle who was the italian Pastor died from cancer as well.  My cousin found a box of his diaries recounting all the things that went on in the church, the pain it cause him, the pain it caused my aunt, how it broke his heart and even recounting where a church member grabbed his by the neck.    If you knew my uncle, he was a humble, quiet man who wouldn’t hurt a flea.  He worked as a barber to support his family.  He loved his family and he loved people and most of alll he loved the Lord with his entire being – it showed the minute  you saw him.

About two years ago my husband and I were attending a church, I had been asked by the pastor’s wife to take over the Womens Ministry because she was spread too thin.  I gladly took it on.  She asked me to fill in for worship when they went on vacation.  I gladly did that too.  I found out that she eventually started feeling threatened and told her husband that he needed to get us out of the church.  I had developed a successful moms ministry there, had developed a strong Womens Ministry and the people liked the way I led worship.  He called us in, ripped us up one side and down the other, said some hurtful and hateful things and we told him we were done.  We would leave his church since that’s what they wanted.

I was so hurt – I  cried – I cried alot.  My husband was angry – so angry.  We both got angry at God.  And we both started getting sick too – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We stopped going to church.  We stopped reading our bibles. We just stopped everything.  And it was a horrible time in our lives.  It wasn’t until we hit rock bottom without God as a main part in our life that we finally realized that what the things we saw over the years and recently were NOT God’s fault.  What we had endured was at the hands of people – some very screwed up people.    We realized that we needed to ask God for forgiveness and we started to attend church.  My walls were up – I dragged my feet.  I didn’t want to be back in church.  I shook physically to the point of rattling when I walked into church again.  i popped prozac before going.  I did that for about six weeks.  Little by little, things got better.  And little by little, because of God’s grace, His love and His mercy, we are at a point in our lives now that God is THE MOST important person in our lives and that He has restored to us the joy of our salvation, our peace of minds and our desire to be in ministry.  We also started to attend a church that has showed us love and support in ways I can’t even put into words especially when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia in November of 2012.  The Pastors and the church family have been great.   We are back and active again and my husband is doing amazing!

My friend, DO NOT allow the enemy to let church swallow you up to the point of illness, to the point of strife in your home, to the point of feeling like you can’t find peace.  Realize that PEOPLE ARE HUMAN – THEY WILL MESS YOU UP and that you CANNOT allow that to shroud your view of God and how GOOD and LOVING and MERCIFUL and AMAZING GOD IS.

If you can remove yourself from the situation, then do so.  Even if it hurts.  But in the long run it will be worth it.  Confront what needs confronting because then and only then you can CONQUER it.  God NEVER intended for church to make you sick – EVER.  There were issues back in the Bible days but even now, we need to keep our eyes and our minds on God and HIM ONLY.

Just WHO is our church service all about?

My husband and I had the chance to take a short get away this past weekend and it’s always nice to be able to have time without the interruption of a television going all the time or the general “noise” that you have going on around  you all the time.  It’s usually a great time for us to talk about things that are on our mind and sort of “brainstorm” about things we’ve been thinking about.  There’s also time to just sit in silence and listen to praise and worship music or preaching that’s on the radio.

Have you ever really just sat and LISTENED to the words of the song that you’re hearing on the radio?  It’s amazing that we can sing along to a bunch of songs and never really THINK about the words that are coming out of our mouth.

I had that experience on the way home.  I’ve sung this one particular song several times as a worship leader and I will sheepishly admit that I haven’t taken the words to heart every time I’ve sung it.  The song is “The Heart of Worship.”

The verse says this: “When the music fades and ALL is stripped away and I simply come; longing just to sing something that’s of worth, that will bless your heart; I’ll bring you more than a song for a song in itself is not what you have required; you search much deeper within to the way things appear – you’re looking into my heart”

Then the chorus goes on to say, “I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship and it’s all about you, all about  you Jesus.  I’m sorry Lord for the “thing” I’ve made it when it’s all about, ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS.”

My “journey” as a worship leader started back in the early 1990’s and I can honestly say that for the most part I’ve taken the responsibility of leading worship very seriously and weighed out my choice of music and the time I spent preparing for service as a priority. I’ve always approached any service I’ve led with fear and trembling because I DO NOT want to get up in front of God and His people unprepared musically or spiritually.  I want to make sure that EVERY WORD that comes out of my mouth is carefully chosen, never crass and ALWAYS pointing people our Father.

Let’s look at the words in the song I mentioned above:  “When the music fades and ALL is STRIPPED WAY and I simply come….”  wow – there it is.  We need to come before the Father stripped away  of our own agendas, our own thoughts about worship and seek HIM for what we should do each service.  Coming to Him with a clear mind, focused on Him and stripped away of our ego, our aspirations, etc.    There you are in His presence kneeling before him.

“Longing just to bring something that’s of worth, that will bless your heart” – is that our motive? Do we come before God when we’re leading worship with the idea of bringing god something of worth that will bless HIS heart? Or are we bringing forth something that will tickle peoples ears? Something that will “draw in the crowd”?

It goes on “I’ll bring you more than a song, for song in itself is not what you have required, you search much deeper within, to the way things appear, you’re looking into MY heart…” I see that as me in a dark room with a spot light on me, me on my knees, head bowed and God taking a look at me, what’s in my heart, what my motives are, clutter and all, trying to sift through the things that have taken priority over HIM and for Him to look at my heart condition – and seeing just what type of condition my heart really is in.

“I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship and it’s all about YOU, it’s ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS.”  Are we really making our worship and sermons ALL ABOUT JESUS? Or is it about showing off what we can DO for Jesus or for God? Is it about how loud we can preach? How many people get Holy Ghost goosebumps from our sermon? How great we can sing? What kind of stage presence we have? How awesome a song list we’ve put together timed just right with the lights and our singers humming at the right time behind us?

Do we spend every Sunday looking for some outward manifestation of a move of God that operates what we gauge our “success-o-meter” on?  How many people raised their hands during worship? How many spoke in tongues out loud? How many people clapped during the fast song (because if they didn’t we should probably take it off our list – it’s a dud.) Oh and yes of course, how many compliments did we receive on a ‘great service today”.

I’ve learned a few things – FIRST and foremost there is NOT ONE PART OF THE SERVICE THAT IS EVER OR SHOULD EVER BE ABOUT ME.  If the “ME” factor is a factor, then there’s a BIG problem.  God forgive us of pride and arrogance and showmanship in the church.

Secondly – worship and every single word of every single song had better be about God the Father and Jesus and pointing people to HIM and NEVER to us, our talents, our abilities, how great we preach, how cool our outfit is or how awesome we need to hear we are at leading worship.

In short, it’s called “DYING TO SELF.”  God help me and forgive me if one inch of “self” is ever in the worship I do.  Now yes I am a perfectionist and I want things to sound good, I want things to flow, I like smooth transitions between songs.  I want people to enter into worship but more than any of that I want God to be honored, to be blessed and to be glorified before ANYTHING ELSE.  The rest is “fluff”.

I want to come back to the “heart of worship” and what worship is truly about.  We’ve lost sight of that in so many of our churches these days.  We base the success of our service by the response to the songs we sang that are in the top 20 on the radio that we hear, we base the success of our sermons on how much we can get people going, on how much we can “stir ’em  up”.   Well it’s not our job to “stir ’em up” – we aren’t the Holy Spirit.  I DO believe it’s our job to lead them into worship and to teach them the Word because those two things together produce a hunger in people.  Teaching them to sit at the feet of Jesus during worship and to sit and listen to the Word and letting it speak to their heart and into their life – that’s what the goal should ALWAYS be.

“I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it” – we’ve made it a show; we’ve made it about us; we’ve made it about what WE want to put on in front of people.  WHY? Don’t we understand that before God’s nostrils it  stinks?

I’ve shared this before – I’ve heard so many Pastors say in exasperation how their young worship leaders have used their churches as stepping stones to “hit the big time” and that week after week it’s been “John so and so IN CONCERT” instead of John so and so leading God’s people in worship.  They’re looking for those with a true heart of worship. Those who’ve died so much to themselves that NOTHING is left.

It took time to get there I’ll admit – and I still have times when I may come down hard on myself if the list didn’t flow the way I wanted it to or if I didn’t see the response I was expecting and then I stop myself and say, “What are you thinking? WHO is worship for?” and then I realize that there’s still MORE of my “self” that needs to die.

So when you’re prepping worship or your sermon, when you’re in front of the people that God has entrusted to you, stay in FOCUS on what your real responsibility is.  Don’t let ANY of your “self” creep in and then you will see the hand of God move, you’ll see lives changed and you’ll know that you’ve done your best for God – with or without an outward manifestation because when we bring our best to God, He ALWAYS honors it.

The Things You See In Church….(the strange & funny…)

Ah the joys of growing up in church  being the Pastor’s kid and then staying in church…..

I always said I’d write a book about the stuff I’ve seen in church and the things I’ve heard. It’s really a trip sometimes. 

Growing up I remember two brother in laws having an actual FIST FIGHT during church because they had some type of disagreement – mind you this was DURING  the song service and they were both in the orchestra area.  

Then there’s the time one man was aggravated and he said he was taking one of the support posts (support beam) with him and he was leaving the church.  A SUPPORT POST? I mean REALLY?  He said he paid for it.  lol

And of course in the old days going to church was like Fashion Week on  a weekly basis.  The women trying to outdo themselves.  My mom used to tell me that she’d have a new outfit complete with hat, gloves, shoes and purse almost every week.  Of course this tradition was passed down to me even as a kid – I was dressed to the nines in the nicest dresses and shiny black patent leather shoes.  Even as a teenager I had a new dress frequently. 

I remember growing up and the ladies would have little pillbox hats with whimsy veils on them.  Of course there was usually a flower or pretty pin on them too.  All the little girls had ruffly white ankle socks on and the little boys had suits with long pants or vests with shirts, ties and shorts.  

Let’s see – ok there was the one older lady who got mad at my mom and told her she was putting a curse on her.  Nice huh? lol  

Then there was the man who got up during testimony time and said, “Before I was saved I used to drink a glass of wine and feel drunk.  Now thank God I can drink a whole jug and not feel a thing…”  

Oh let’s not forget the church trustee who had no problems letting a few swear words rip during meetings – my dad used to just shake his head and look down. 

And we had our share of street people that came through church as well.  There was one guy, “Jack the wino” we named him.  Jack used to come in church every so often when he needed money.  His first few times he would tell us, “My mom got hit by a bus, I need money for her funeral.”  The thing is that his mom got hit by a bus like seven or eight times in the matter of a year….. 

Our church used to have a built in time of prayer where everyone would kneel between the pews and pray.  (This is a PENTECOSTAL CHURCH now so keep that in mind.)  Jack staggered in, sat in the last pew and fell asleep.  The prayer part of the service ended and about ten minutes later Jack woke up, realized everyone was sitting normally facing the front so he cleared  his throat, made the sign of the cross and sat down.

My dad was the Pastor so his interactions with Jack were frequent.  One Sunday Jack came in and of course his mom had gotten hit by a bus – AGAIN.  My dad said that in order for him to receive any type of help he needed to come in and stay for the service.  There were about 10 steps that you needed to walk up to into the sanctuary because our church was an older church.  Dad started walking up the stairs with Jack in tow and Jack exclaimed, “WOW these steps are moving!”  My dad looked at him and said, “Yep, they do that sometimes…..”

There was a guy that came into church and he stuck out his hand and in his best inebriated voice announced, ‘Hi! I’m Hezekiah!” 

Another time we attended a special service at another church there was a very well known speaker.  During the worship part of the service a guy got up to give a “word.” The word was this, “And the Lord would say, “HANGETH in there…..”   (I never knew that there was such an old english word as “HANGETH”.  

Ah the things you see and hear in church growing up.  The crazy legalistic stuff like no christmas trees, no makeup/nail polish/jewelry, going to the movies was a sin, bowling was a sin, having any kind of party was a sin, wearing pants if you were a female was a sin, pierced ears were a sin – EVERYTHING seemed to be a sin growing up and I didn’t grow up in a pentecostal holiness church but it was pretty legalistic.  Funny thing was that all that applied to the preachers family but everyone ELSE in the congregation was doing all those things. LOL  

OH and please don’t let me forget how interacting with any other denomination was a sin.  ESPECIALLY if they were catholic.   Now, where I went to elementary there was a catholic church and school across the street.  One day our school received a bomb threat in the middle of the day. They quickly evacuated us to the catholic school’s gym across the street.  Well when I got home and told my mom she pitched a fit.  To this day I wanted to ask her, “Would prefer that I stayed in school and got blown up?!!”  I mean, it’s not like being catholic was contagious – Lord have mercy! 

There’s so many more things that don’t come to mind but I’m sure some day I’ll sit and write more about those.

No wonder God says we’re a “peculiar people….” 🙂  

 

Build Your Church – Make RELATIONSHIP Priority….

There’s tons of books out there on how to grow your church.  Throw in a few thousand dvds and a couple hundred seminars you should be able to grow a mega church in the middle of a cornfield if you do exactly what they – or so they say….

Funny thing is this: You can have TONS of programs, the BEST music, great preaching and of course the coolest coffee bar BUT if your people DO NOT have relationship with GOD FIRST and especially relationship with OTHERS then you have a nice crowd that comes to be entertained. 

When people are looking for a church, first it’s usually because something is missing in their own lives and they’re searching for that.  BUT there’s also those who are looking for a place to “belong.”  A place where they have fellowship with other christians, friends to hang out with, friends to grow with, friends who will be there in the good times and bad.  

I’ve seen a trend especially in the State I live in here among quite a few churches where RELATIONSHIP IS NOT a priority.  It’s about programs first – which thing can we do to bring in the numbers that will work.  OR it’s about the temporary emotional rush that they feel each week for an hour or two during hyper worship and good old fire and brimstone preaching.  After that people walk out and they don’t connect again until they see each other the following Sunday.  Um, I THOUGHT we’re supposed to be FAMILY? We don’t even communicate with each other until we give our churchy smile again each week.  

I’m not going to say this happens in ALL denominations.  There’s a very large church here nearby where I ran my first moms ministry that has got it down to a science – the relationship thing I’m talking about. In part because it was presented to many moms about how vital relationship and supporting each other is.  On the other part because the leadership encourages it in a big way. Couples hang together in the coffee shop, have picnics, go out to eat with each other, do the beach, and even do cruises together and these are couples of VARIOUS ages.  Kids are included too.  AND these women especially are big on being there for each other.  Mention a need and they are jumping into action before you’ve hit “post” on facebook or finished sending out your text.  Toss up on facebook a chance to get together and they’re signing up and eagerly awaiting the time to get together.  

They’re also signing up for bible studies and seminars together and this INCLUDES the guys who have a strong group of relationships going.  Meeting one on one with each other or in small numbers to encourage and be there for each other. 

SO WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH THE REST OF THE CHURCH BODY?! The most vital work is done through relationship.  You want to make a difference, sit across from someone for an hour with a cup of coffee or over lunch or dinner and THAT is where TRUE ministry starts.

What I’ve seen is that “we’re busy.”  Really? TOO busy to stop and get to know someone and make a difference in their life?  TOO busy to sit with a couple who is struggling in their marriage and is crying out for help in many ways? TOO busy to make that widow feel a part of things? Too busy to help a single mom out in her parenting? TOO BUSY to help that young man trying to find His way around this God thing? TOO BUSY TOO BUSY – yeah? well maybe it’s time to get UNBUSY. 

Instead of having programs to build numbers – come in, do your one hour and leave, let’s build programs that ENCOURAGE relationship.  Small groups are great – they help.  BUT how about encouraging some social interaction? If your service is two hours long, maybe once in awhile give your congregation a break and encourage them to fellowship with one another and shoot for 90 minutes instead that Sunday.  

Have a midweek service? Get rid of it and have small groups that run for three weeks and then do something social on the fourth week.   

Where does it start? IT STARTS WITH YOUR LEADERSHIP AND PASTORAL STAFF.  Teach THEM about relationship.  If you have a smaller church, have your leadership or staff take 5-10 families and those are the ones they keep track of by calling them, getting together with them, meeting their needs if it arises, having them over to their house for dinner or taking them out to eat.  Give your congregation members a “touch point” – that’s a person that they can have a relationship with who is going to genuinely take an interest.  

If you have a big church, break your church up into areas and then divide the number of people in them and have “a care team leader” for every 20-25 people.  They would do the same things I mentioned above.  

What else can be done – SET THE EXAMPLE.  Develop relationship with your leadership not just in meetings about church stuff but on a regular basis where you actually sit and ask them in a non church setting, “Hey, what’s goin’ on your life? How ARE things? How’s your family?”  TAKE an interest in them.   

THIS example is going to help your leaders learn how to do that with the people of your church.  Then the people in your church are going to be doing it with the people in the church and also with those who come into the church and also with those in the community around you. 

The emphasis is wrong these days – it is and never should be on NUMBERS or feel good services.  

We’ve been in Florida SIX YEARS and have YET to have a bunch of couples to fellowship with.  Everyone is “too busy.”  Or no one takes the time to make the initiative and yes I’ve tried.  Back in New York we had fellowship with couples weekly.  The guys called each other to see how they were doing, they met for coffee.  The women had dinner out or at each others houses.  The couples got together.  The men could pray with each other, the women did too.  There were shopping dates, movie dates, and just hanging out with each other.  When something went wrong, we were all there for each other.  When there was a crisis and support was needed we stopped what we were doing and we were at the hospital, the courthouse, the funeral – whatever.  We had heart ties to each other and thankfully to THIS DAY it’s still that way even though we’re 1400 miles away. 

Why isn’t it like that all over? How much effort does it REALLY take to speak into someones life and really BUILD relationship with them? 

SO – ask yourself – are we building relationships one life at a time or building a kingdom or mega church?