Confront It Head On…

One of the hardest issues for Pastors to deal with in their church is that of Domestic Abuse.  Now many think of Domestic Abuse/Domestic Violence as physical beatings.  It’s not always that.  Abuse takes on many forms – sexual abuse, mental/emotional abuse, financial abuse.  It’s probably one of the best hidden secrets that dwells in our congregations because the person being abused is too afraid to say anything for fear that they won’t be believed.

A popular fascade in our churches is that Christian couples always look “so happy.”  They look like the ideal couple.  They’re on the worship team, they’re deacons or ushers or teach Sunday School.  They smile all the time.  They dress the part.  They look the part.  And inside their homes, their marriage is “falling apart.”

Women are afraid to go to leadership with their stories of abuse.  Their husband is respected and well liked.  No one will believe that they’re going through any type of difficulty.  Those who aren’t enduring physical abuse have no outward scars or bruises to show to prove that it’s happening.  All they carry is buried deep inside. Harsh words, cruel remarks, threats, and the inward humiliation of being sexually abused by the man who is supposed to love, honor and cherish them – the vows that he took before God and all their friends and family.

I fear that many don’t understand what it’s like to be emotionally or mentally or sexually abused.  The person on the receiving end of that abuse if they’ve been in church for any length of time, has learned how to put on a good face.  They continue to be involved in church, they praise and worship during the service while screaming out inside for help.  They relive during the sermon the memories of the abuse that’s taken place and deal with how dirty they feel because of it.  Yet no one – NOT ONE PERSON suspects anything.

Why have we made it so hard for these victims to come to leaders for help? Shouldn’t the church be a place of refuge for them?  A sanctuary away from the pain?

Why is it most leaders will tell the woman that it must be her fault that her husband is treating her that way?  That she must not be giving him what is biblically his right to have so she needs to do something about it?

In my case it was both sexual and emotional/mental abuse.  My first husband, an upstanding, well respected man who was extremely charming and good lucking and who was very spiritual in almost every aspect of his life except on – his addiction to pornography.  I was devastated when I learned of it and scared that I would lose him if I didn’t become exciting like those images he saw.  I gave into his bringing “things” into our sex life.  I gave in to ideas of what he wanted to make things exciting and even accepted the warped excuse that what went goes on between a husband and wife is fine and that the Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled.  Well that scripture doesn’t mean you can be married and do whatever you want to do.  What that means is that the marriage bed should be kept between the husband and wife and no outside thing should violate it be it pornography or bringing in another person or doing things that the other partner isn’t comfortable with or actions that humiliate them to bring the other sexual gratification.

Being told that you shouldn’t sit on a certain couch cushion all the time or that you let the water run too much when you’re brushing your teeth, or being body shamed, or being criticized for your cooking or being told if you ever put on weight that your husband won’t stay with you is just a small portion of the mental/emotional abuse I endured.  I never felt good enough, pretty enough or worthy enough to be with my husband and no matter how many times I told him, he just laughed it off or dismissed me.  I never felt secure or cherished or loved.  You can feel when someone loves you – I can’t say I felt that way often at all with him.  We were so young when we got married and that was probably our first mistake.  I was a Pastor’s daughter and he was a deacon’s son and ALL eyes were on us all the time.  There’s no way I’d ever open my mouth about things being wrong – it would cause too many waves.

I wanted to run to the church and ask for help but knew that if I did, our positions would be take away from us.  My then husband would go ballistic if anyone knew our “business.”  I couldn’t go to Christian friends either and going to family was totally out.  I was stuck.  I had no where to turn.

I cannot stress to Pastors and leaders the importance of allowing yourselves to be approachable.  Stop beating around the bush when it comes to the subject of abuse in your church.  Don’t assume that the “Ken and Barbie church couple” doesn’t have hidden secrets because they probably do.  If they come to you, listen with open hearts and minds TO BOTH SIDES and if it’s too much for you to handle please, refer them to professional counselors that are experienced in that area.

Offer marriage counseling once they’ve confronted the problem.  As much as we’d like to believe that God heals anything and everything (and He does, I believe that) I am also smart enough to know from experience that sometimes the hurts and damage reach the point of no return and the marriage is over.  In my case, the only thing that kept the marriage together was a diagnosis of leukemia a few weeks after I told my husband I was through with our marriage and made him finally understand the damage that had been done to me.  I could have very easily turned my back on him and walked away and left him to deal with his illness alone but I chose to stay because I wanted to honor my vows and deep down, in spite of all the hurt and pain, I still loved him.  I was there when he took his last breath.  I’m not sorry I stayed but now I’m left to deal with the after shocks of people not understanding why, 19 months following his death, I’m remarried to a wonderful man and have started my life over.

The “secret” of our failed marriage came out to everyone after I found myself having to defend my reasons for starting over shortly after my first husband’s death.  His addiction has caused a rift between me and my adult children, some family members and some friends who just can’t “get it” in their heads that there was something very seriously wrong.

It hurts me and angers me because I DID go to family members and in round about ways try to call for help but no one caught on.  No one even asked me if everything was ok.  What I wouldn’t have given for someone to reach out and say they wanted to help.  I now find myself dealing with forgiving him and forgiving myself for doing the things I thought would please him to save our marriage.

Pastors and leaders – I’m begging you to please make the church a place of refuge for those dealing with abuse.  “Man up” and confront the addictions, the bad behavior and the sin.  Restore and rebuild those involved.

Thank you – if one person is restored because of my plea to you, then this blog entry was worth it.

 

 

Shhh! The House Needs Cleaning!

People are coming over and the house needs to be cleaned. And you don’t feel like cleaning it and they’ll arrive any moment. You decide to take some “short cuts.” You toss the dirty laundry into the bedroom closet and close the door. The pile of clutter on the kitchen counter you throw into a cupboard – you know you’ll get to it eventually. The kids toys you toss into the storage ottoman and sit on it to make sure it closes all the way. Oh crap, there’s that stain on the living room carpet. Quick! Get the footstool! You breathe a sigh of relief as you cover it up. UGH! The dining room table needs cleaning and they’re pulling into the driveway. WHY are they early? You grab a tablecloth and throw it over the sticky syrup and the crumbs on the table and you run over to the front door and let your visitors in with a smile on your face and warm welcome like you’ve been waiting for them all day to get there. It’s not clean but at least the “mess” is covered up – for now.

This is how it seems to be in churches these days. “The HOUSE” needs cleanin’ but we are just prettying it up because if we start cleaning the HOUSE, we’re going to find out that the mess is worse than we thought.

What am I referring to? To be blunt, sexual sin that’s still not being confronted even after all these years.

We’re quick to discuss tithing, missions, divorce, substance abuse, rebellious children, wives submitting to husbands, homosexuality and same sex marriage. We even carefully slip in our political views from the pulpit during sermons but the one thing that’s devastating families and marriages, we shy away from. Oh we’ve “touched” on the subject of pornography but we are careful not to get too heavily into it. After all, the people in our church would never indulge in such a thing. Our elders, leaders, and board members are above reproach and of course, our Pastor would NEVER look at pornography.

Well wake up people because those things I just mentioned above are the “sticky syrup” and “crumbs” under the tablecloth, the stain under the ottoman and the clutter that’s hidden in the closet. We have a thousand different ways to make it look good but it needs to be taken care of.

They say you can put a pot of flowers on something and it automatically dresses it up. Apparently that includes a pile of cow dung too because in God’s eyes, the unconfronted sin in the church stinks and it stinks bad.

Pornography isn’t just a “secular” issue anymore. Boys are being exposed to it via the internet and other forms as young as age 8. Kids are having sex in sixth and seventh grade. Teenagers are fully aware of what oral sex and other sexual terms are because they’re openly discussed all the time among their peers. Our 20-somethings and those in their early 30’s say that porn is acceptable because “it’s a common thing now. Everyone does it.”

It should NEVER be considered an acceptable thing or something common if you call yourself a child of God and claim to be living a holy life.

A well known Christian magazine did some research and stated that 65 percent of men and 35 percent of women in the church regularly view or are addicted to pornography. These are the people you sit next to, those who teach Sunday School, who lead your men’s group, who play on the church softball team, who usher, who preach, who are leaders in the church. They’re the members of your worship team. The seemingly perfect “Ken and Barbie” of the church. They’re even the ones who are the largest givers/tithers that the church budget depends on.

Isn’t it funny in recent news that those who profess to be Christian and who have made their “claim to fame” as Christians are being exposed for their extra marital affairs and addictions to pornography or sex? Have you ever stopped to think WHY this might be?

I strongly believe it’s because the church won’t confront this issue from the pulpit so God is allowing it to come up in the media among those who are in the public eye. I can’t speak for God but I would imagine that He might be thinking, “Well since you won’t take care of it in house, I guess we’ll allow it to come out in a bigger way.” The “man of the house” isn’t doing his job. And it’s coming out. And it’s bringing shame and disgrace on the church and to the name of God. All because we’re too afraid to “clean house” and deal with the fall out that comes from cleaning the house.

Fallout of our largest tithers leaving. Fallout from the embarrassment that your Associate Pastor or your Pastor finally comes clean and confesses he has been frequenting sex clubs out of town and chatting with women online. Fallout that your most respected leader was seen leaving a brothel at midnight. Fallout that your Ken and Barbie worship team members who look like the perfect couple are splitting up because she discovered numerous pictures from porn sites on their home computer. It’s a shake up in the church. Marriages that have been crumbling in silence will finally be shouting that they need help. Women devastated from feeling insignificant because their husbands are looking at centerfold women that they can’t keep up with. The young husband who feels he’s not experienced enough in bed for his wife who talked him into bringing pornography into their bedroom to spice things up will come forward and ask for help.

The HOUSE will look like a field wiped out by a forest fire. The land with dry, burned out dead tree stumps and stalks will slowly start to reboot itself as the fresh rain of healing hits it. The soil that’s dry from the fire that sucked up all the moisture will begin to rejuvenate and “a new thing” will grow in place of that devastating dead thing. Some of the plants won’t grow back. The debris might be carried off and thrown away. But within a few weeks fresh green grass begins to grow again and new trees sprout up where the dead, burned out ones once stood tall. Within a few months, maybe even a year, the landscape may not look the same but in it’s place will be something stronger and more beautiful than before.

But first, The HOUSE needs to be cleaned……

(Please feel free to read my other blogs “The New Reinvented Me” “The Mom Adventure”)

The Church’s “Bad RAP”…. are YOU Guilty of this?

You know those times when you’ve heard statements regarding the SAME TOPIC so many times in a short amount of time that you finally get to a point where you HAVE to speak up? Well this is one of those blogs…..

I’ve been in church all my life – I’m one of those “born in the pew” kind of preacher’s kids who, in spite of all they’ve seen and been through in churches, has still remained active in church and has been in paid ministry. In fact I still have a deep love for ministry thus the reason for my passion on various topics that I blog about.

What I’ve heard OVER AND OVER AGAIN recently is WHY people, not just those who are unchurched but those who were brought up in church or those who have attended church for a long time, have stopped attending corporate worship or who keep themselves on the periphery of “church.” The reasons I’ve heard have saddened me to the point of holding back tears and sometimes of wanting to scream. I cannot for the life of me figure out WHY we’ve turned church into such a bad place that people don’t want to be there?

There’s been a lot of personal reasons for me lately to distance myself from corporate worship and I’m going to share just a few of those with you…..

Following my late husband’s death I decided shortly thereafter to move on with my life. My choice of whom I moved on with did not meet other peoples approval because of reasons surrounding how we met etc. Unfortunately those who quickly passed judgment DID NOT seek out both sides of the story and ASSUMED (you know what they say about assuming….) the worst and never bothered to seek out the complete details. This resulted in various rumors, half truths, gossip in the form of an “intervention” at someone’s home (WITHOUT me present), and lots of ugly names being pinned on me. There were extenuating circumstances which led me to move on so quickly that many do not know about and frankly it’s none of their business but God knows and those that care about me and love me have been kind enough to come to me and ask me what was going on and now understand my reasons for doing so. The treatment I received from this “concerned group” at my home church has resulted in hurt that is deep and that has caused me to even have an anxiety attack about attending church on Easter which I worked through the first 20 minutes I was at another church because I will not step foot in my home church that I love and miss so much because those people are there and I won’t put myself through that.

Others that I’ve talked to seem to have the same themes – “we quit going because we can’t stand the gossip and back stabbing” “ I got sick of people being out of touch with the realities of life and hyper spiritualizing everything….” “The church is so full of politics it’s forgotten what the Church is really supposed to be doing” “The Pastor is so concerned with attracting younger people he’s forgotten about those of us who have been faithful and supported the church all these years….” And the list goes on and on but it’s not that I’ve heard these statements just once or twice, it’s repeatedly.

For me another reason I stopped going to church was that a church I was affiliated with for teaching wanted me to leave when I became involved with my fiancé – and get this – the MAIN reason was because the Pastor was concerned about what ANOTHER church would think about me teaching there. Let’s not consider the part of scripture that talks about taking care of widows and orphans, OR being concerned with someone’s soul – NO, his reason was how HE was going to LOOK in front of this other ethnic church in the area. Forget the fact that I NEEDED that job to support myself as a widow OR that I was NOT A CONTRACTED employee but an outside vendor at the time. Disappointed and hurt would be just a few words I would use regarding this Pastor that I respected for many years.

I could go on and on about the people who have been at the center of the hurt I’ve experienced lately. How they’ve encouraged discord and strife between me and my children instead of healing and reconciliation. Or how they in their own lives didn’t do the right thing while they were in ACTIVE ministry when it came to their personal lives (including fornication) or while they were attending church but kept it hidden. Funny how so many have dog poop in their own backyard’s that they can’t walk two steps without getting their shoes dirty but they’re quick to point out the ONE pile of poop you have in yours and make it into a mountain. They want you to exercise grace towards them but the grace YOU receive will be conditional from them.

What grieves me the MOST is when I think about what the church’s original job was in scripture, is that we have done nothing but give GOD a bad name. People automatically, churched or unchurched, associate Christians or “Christ followers” with words like “hypocrite” “Fake” “two faced” “Judgemental” or “self righteous” “money hungry” “users” and “social club.”   WOW – is THIS what we really want people to think of a loving, compassionate, merciful God? One who sent His Son for them and for us?

Through the years I’ve learned A LOT about God and what He is not – and unfortunately I can say that He is NOT what we see portrayed by some (notice I said SOME not ALL) Pastors and church people. What is more upsetting though is that those “church people” are never confronted about their behavior and allowed to continue what they’re doing without ever being told of the destruction they’ve left in the path they’ve walked.

Why is that? Well after being on staff at large and small ministries, I’ve learned that it can range from reasons that they are the “largest givers”, “have connections in the community” “they’ve been in the church the longest and are founding members” “they’re influential” “they’re very well liked” or they just plain out scare the tar out of the Pastor. So the behavior is allowed to continue and the damage keeps going. Another reason is that some Pastors just do NOT like confrontation and will avoid it at all costs.

I hate to sound like one of those “in the old days” types but I can tell you that my grandfather who was a pastor had no problems confronting issues and attitudes in the church “back in the day.” That’s not how it is now – it’s too messy or too draining to do that so the reign of terror continues.

Does this blog sound like I’m disgusted with church? Yes it does. Am I disgusted and upset with God – ABSOLUTELY NOT. If anything, what I’ve seen the last few years regarding the behaviors of those in church and those in leadership grieves me to no end and makes me want to be the opposite kind of leader they are and the opposite kind of Christian that the world sees from church people. It makes me more aware of what I want to be as far as the characteristics of God. I may have flaws and my life is NOT perfect by any means right now but I can tell you I am striving more and more each day to have God help me be the woman He’s called me to be, to allow me to show His love and compassion, to be a light and to help me walk as right as possible while I’m working my way back to Him.

My hope is that this blog strikes a chord in leaders and Pastors and that they will become bolder to find out both sides of a story before taking a side, that they will call their members on the carpet for these actions and attitudes and that they in their own lives will be careful how they represent Christ to others in the church and outside of the church.  That they will “keep it real” and that they will work towards changing the misconceptions that are out there about church and what the job of the church really is so that we can represent Christ for the loving, compassionate, merciful, joy-filled, HEALING God that He is.

Can the Cliches Will Ya?

If there’s one thing I’m growing to despise more and more it’s “Christian Cliches”.   You know, those quaint little sayings that most of the time AREN’T scripture but so overused you want to puke every time you hear them?

Let’s talk about a few of them shall we?

You ask someone “how are you?”  and they reply, “Why sister I’m blessed and highly favored”  Ok, well that’s nice but really, “HOW ARE YOU?”   I mean come on, a simple “I’m doing good” or “honestly my life sucks right now” is more of what I’d really like to hear.   Especially when I know your husband just left you, your son is in jail or you just lost your job.  Please be real with me ok? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have asked.

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle…”  If there’s one saying that I’ve heard over and over again in the last two years while dealing with my husband’s leukemia and his passing away, it’s THAT one.  I wanted to look at the people when they said that to me and say, “REALLY? well hmmm let’s see….” and then start naming off the challenges that I’ve faced and say, “Yep I’d say He DID give me too much this time.”  and then watch their faces. I mean let’s think about that – sometimes God DOES give you too much handle BUT it’s because He’s teaching YOU to let HIM handle it and NOT you.  I’ll stop my comments right there on that one.

The other day my daughter and I were at a holiday luncheon and the one woman at our table was the “O Praise God ” lady.  EVERY OTHER PHRASE was “O Praise God.”  I mean you could have said to her, “I just sliced my finger off with this butter knife” and she would have said it. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in giving thanks to God in ALL circumstances but sometimes people just over use a phrase kind of like another non religious one I can’t stand which is “ANYWHO.”

Then there’s the one that irritates me, “Well I guess all you can do now is pray.”  Um hello? Prayer should NEVER be a LAST resort it should be our first plan of action.

Oh and this one is used a ton down South, “Bless your heart.”  Honestly it’s a polite way of someone saying , “You poor dumb dumb” or “What on earth were you thinking?” without directly coming out and saying it.

And then there’s “I have to pray about it….”  Nope what you’re REALLY saying is, “I’m stalling for time because I need to find a good excuse to not do something.”   Just say, “Yes I can” or “No I can’t” and that’s it.

OH and how many times have we seen a need on facebook or twitter and responded “Praying” and then after we typed the word we scrolled on down to the next post and never stopped to actually PRAY for the need? Come on fess up – we’ve all done it.  Now what I do is the minute I read the request I stop and say, “God help so and so” or “God heal so and so” or “God provide what they need.”  this way I KNOW that I REALLY DID pray for that person.

So the next time you’re tempted to use one of these phrases, stop and think about it before you do.  Will it make you sound fake? Is it inappropriate timing to say it? Am I really going to do it?

Remember that the most effective form of evangelism is BEING REAL. People don’t want your plastic smiles or clichés.  They want something REAL so give it to them instead.

Oh and by the way, “have a blessed day….”  🙂  🙂 🙂

Lose the Starch in your Shorts People….

Have you ever noticed that christians have a really bad tendency to segregate themselves from those who are not “church go-ers?” We’re called to go into the world and preach the Gospel and be examples of Christ and many are portraying a Christ who is snobby, selective and downright unfriendly and unloving.

I’m one of those kids who was “born in the pew.” My dad was a Pastor and trust me when I say I have seen it all. In fact there’s not much in church that surprises me at all. And then, of course, I decided to go from the frying pan into the fire by being in full time and part time ministry at various times in my life. WHAT was a I thinking? 🙂

I’ve noticed the tendency to be “cliquish” or “exclusive” mainly among women in the church. Especially those who are raising children. They feel by keeping their children away from “worldly” people they will protect them. Some even homeschool. Some send their kids to private religious schools In fact I’ve taught at faith based homeschool groups co-ops and found that some were sort of stand offish if you didn’t attend the church they attended or if your denomination was not the same as theirs. It even made me feel uncomfortable.

Here’s an example – a young mom took her kids to a local homeschool co-op in an affluent area here in Rochester, New York. She considers herself a christian but because her church has a woman priest, she was told to leave the co-op because her church wasn’t “christian enough.”

Here’s another one – and an all too frequent occurrance – parents who don’t attend church are not welcomed into faith based co-ops because they have no church affiliation. Also, parents who attend a mixed group of secular and christian parents are divided almost like in two sects. It’s as though the group is split down the middle because some are atheists or don’t attend church . Now don’t get me wrong, there are also secular groups who are very stand offish to christian families too and that’s not right but I wonder WHY they’re that way? Could it be the “In Your Face” approach that some christians use that turns them off?

I don’t condemn those in the christian homeschool groups for wanting to protect their kids and to keep things as God oriented as possible. I understand that. I agree with it to an extent but when I hear stories from others who have felt excluded and it hurt them, it really ticks me off that they are now turned off to christians and God because of someone’s actions.

When I grew up my parents didn’t tell me I couldn’t hang out with kids who didn’t attend my church or who were of another religion. My dad told me to love everyone and be nice to everyone and to treat them how I wanted to be treated and THAT would be how I could show Christ to them. So I did. I didn’t shove Jesus down anyone’s throat. I was just myself. Many of my school friends have told me that they admire my strong faith and that I’ve held on to that through the years. My life has spoken to them – isn’t that the whole idea?

As I got older I and went through some things over the years, I’ve taken the stance that my life is the biggest testimony of Jesus. That being REAL is vital. That there is NO ROOM for fake. It’s NOT how many christian friends I have and if I only hang out with christians. I don’t have a christian dr, a christian dentist or a christian mechanic.

When I was leading Moms groups in Florida, the one large group I was heading up had women that were methodist, presbyterian, catholic and pentecostal. AND GUESS WHAT? They ALL got along!! No one bothered to be ” too methodist” or “too pentecostal” to be friends with anyone else. In fact, I’ve watched them form some of the most supportive, strong bonds between each other that will last a life time. Another Moms group I ran which was smaller had women of churched and unchurched backgrounds and they ALL got along. They celebrated with each other, cried with each other, laughed with each other. It didn’t matter that they didn’t attend church. They were moms making a difference in each other’s lives.

What a difference we would make if we would just drop the “our church is holier than yours” mentality or “only the (insert denomnination name) are going to heaven” mentality. For awhile when I was younger I DID have the impression that only born again christians were going to heaven. My view on that has changed in that I have met many catholics, methodists and others who have such a close personal relationship with God and that know the Word of God so well that it puts alot of “born again” christians to shame.

So I’m saying this – LOSE THE STARCH IN YOUR SHORTS PEOPLE. Start acting REAL. Drop your superior attitudes and be the type of Jesus we see in the Bible that didn’t separate himself from people but that made himself available to people, that ate with sinners and that healed those in need.

Do you realize that the person you’re holding at arm’s length could be the “divine appointment” that God has for you? That YOU could be the person who makes a difference in that person’s life?

My husband worked with a guy that wasn’t a christian when he started working there. Dave never preached at him but he shared with him about his life and our family and occasionally mentioned God in the conversations and his walk with God. A few years later, that same guy came into work on a Monday morning and told my husband he had accepted Jesus at a men’s retreat because of Dave and his life style example. Dave had been the walking, living, breathing example of Jesus to that man. And it changed BOTH their lives.

Some of you may agree or disagree with my blog today and that’s ok. Maybe it will provoke you into thinking about how you act around people who aren’t churched or who don’t measure up to your ideas of a “christian.” It even might spur you on to befriend someone that you might be able to make a difference in their life.

Lose the starch and see how different things are – you’ll be surprised what a difference you can make.

Feel free to check out my other blogs – “The Mom Adventure” and “Cherylannbellavia”

We’ve LOST a Generation of Church Kids….

There’s been something gnawing at me for quite some time now. Recently after reading a post from a young woman who has a special place in my heart, that gnawing feeling turned to sadness. This sweet young girl grew up with a strong christian mom and had been going to church since the age of 8. She is now a young adult finding her way in this world in the entertainment business – she’s a gifted singer and dancer and has been blessed with opportunities that only God could provide as far as open doors. But in her post on facebook, she commented on an article that talked about the reasons why her generation that grew up in church isn’t IN church anymore. And when reading her comments that were coming from her heart, my heart broke because it confirmed what I’ve felt for so long – we’re NOT meeting the needs of this generation the way we should.

WHAT?!!! What do you mean?! We have the cool stage! We have all the best multi media equipment! Oh and we have an awesome fog machine too! We have stadium seating! Our music cutting edge – there’s NO WAY we would sing anything that is more than 5 years old. We have the coolest coffee bar with tons of different flavors of coffee! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE NOT MEETING THE NEEDS OF THIS GENERATION?!!!

This isn’t the first time I’ve read comments from her generation. It isn’t the first time I’ve read articles about how the church is making Jesus and God and after thought. BUT this is the FIRST TIME it’s hit so close to home that I felt my heart break in two.

We’re offering them “an experience” – like the kind you get when you go to Six Flags. We’re not offering them a A TRUE ENCOUNTER WITH THE ONE TRUE GOD WHO CAN CHANGE THEIR LIVES. We’re offering them a cool music experience. We’re not offering them a worship at the feet of Jesus and let Him change you from the inside out opportunity. I’ve read comments about them feeling overstimulated, lost, confused when they leave church services. Once they’re old enough to leave home or once they’re considered adults by their parents, they’re not attending church anymore or if they do, it’s rarely. And most times it’s because to them, this God that’s been talked about seems out of reach and unrealistic.

They speak of wanting to know this God that their parents talk about – the one their parents have so much faith in. But we as a church have failed at showing them what real FAITH is. We’ve failed at teaching them to take God AT HIS WORD. We’ve failed to show them what a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus is like. Instead we’ve given them a watered down gospel with media clips, drama skits and flashing lights and we’ve left them asking as they leave the service “What the heck was that all about?”

What are we going to do about this Pastors? What about it Youth Leaders? Worship Leaders – are you listening too? Parents – what are YOU going to do about it? Church Board Members – do you have the guts to stand up and say this is NOT what church is supposed to be about! We need to get BACK TO THE BASICS AND FORGET ALL THIS SHOW AND HYPE AND JUNK!!!

As a person who’s been on staff at different size churches through the years I’ve seen Elders and Boards who are passive and just say, “Yes Pastor” to EVERYTHING and not bothering to say, “Wait a minute – what’s the REAL motivation behind this?” or “Is this really necessary?” or just flat out having the guts to say “NO”.

Now please understand, I am NOT inciting a rebellion of board members or leaders against their Pastor but I’m asking you ALL to STOP and realize that we ARE to be SET APART from the world. It’s obvious by the blogs and articles that are being written by this generation and the comments that they’re making on facebook that we have gone off the beaten path of where we’re supposed to be. We’re in this world but we do not have to BE the world just because we think that’s the way to reach the world.

YES I’m passionate about this. YES I want you to listen. YES I want to see us stop turning the church into a concert or entertainment venue and bring it back to what it is – a SANCTUARY to meet with GOD. A place to be reverenced. A holy place….

We’ve lost a generation of church kids – now what are YOU going to do about it?

God loves those who WHINE too….

Growing up I was the total daddy’s girl. I knew how to get what I wanted from my dad just by sitting on his lap, batting my eyelashes and putting my head on his shoulder. I wasn’t much of a whiner then. For some reason as I’ve gotten older I whine MORE 🙂

I noticed it this morning when I was journaling. I snickered and wrote down about what a whiner I was. My journaling is more of a prayer journal of my personal talks to God. Kind of praying through written words.

What I love most about God is that He loves me in spite of my whining. And trust me, I CAN WHINE LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS. 🙂

My last major whine session was about the last three months and all we’ve been through with the change of being forced to move and then the long trip up here and then the craziness of our weekend this past weekend. In short here it is – we moved into an apartment building. The neighbor upstairs met a girl online. In two days because of their fighting, we had to call the police TWice. The straw that broke the camel’s back was in the wee hours of Sunday morning when out of spite, she overflowed the bathtub which caused flooding into our apartment. I’m not talking a puddle, I’m talking water POURING out of light fixtures, fan vents, smoke alarms and through the dining room wall. So for pretty much two nights we had NO sleep. At my age, no sleep is NOT a good thing. I get grumpy. Which in turn makes me whine – ALOT.

So this morning, because I was still tired, I started to whine. It was more of a “get up on God’s lap and put my head on his shoulder and whine about our weekend” type thing. And suddenly I could sense a smile on God’s face and maybe a little shaking of the head. I knew at that moment that He all ready knew all about this. I also knew that He was working it out all for our good. Even though we have to vacate our apartment that we just moved into THREE WEEKS AGO, God knows it’s all going to turn out ok. There’s a chance we will get our September rent FREE because of it. We were planning on going to a hotel at their expense but decided against it because of the risk of exposure to germs for Dave. The LPGA is in town and the hotels are all sold out so the amount of germs from people from all over the country would be astronomical. So we are probably going to stay with our daughter. I discussed with the landlord that giving us September for free would spare them having to lose $1200 on a hotel bill because of the LPGA being in town. He eagerly agreed. 🙂

Am I thrilled with not sleeping in my own bed? (well I should say no but my daughter has THE MOST AMAZING bed in the world); Am I happy about living out of a suitcase? NO
Am I happy that we have to move out because of someone’s stupid choices? NO. BUT I DO see God’s hand in it. As crazy as that sounds. I do know that “ALL THINGS work together for good to those who love God who are called according to His purpose.”

Yes I whined to my heavenly daddy this morning. I cried at the breakfast table in front of my husband that I was tired of the adventures and need a break. My brain went into warp speed worrying about my furniture getting dusty from the construction work and that the crew might break something. Which of course led to my mouth going 100 miles an hours while I expressed all this to Dave. God bless him, the man is a saint.
So, once all that insanity subsided, I smiled and I knew God was smiling too and saying, “Little girl, when are you gonna learn that I’ve got your back?”

So now I’m not whining. At least not for the rest of the day. Hopefully not for the rest of the week. 🙂

Aren’t you glad we have a Father who lets us whine and no matter how long we whine, he STILL loves us and continues to show us just how much?

“Lord I pray for any of my friends and reader friends who are reading this today. You know what they’re facing. You know how tired they may be. You know God that they may or may not have a good reason to whine. I pray Lord that you show them in some way that you too, have their back. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN”

Musical Zombies……

Have you ever been to a church service and looked up at the worship team and they look like zombies? Not the body decaying type but the expressionless, no emotion, little body movement type?

I’ve seen this happen quite a few church services I’ve been to. And I’ve noticed one thing pretty much of the time – if your worship team doesn’t worship, much of your congregation doesn’t either. Now don’t get me wrong, there are those in the congregation that WILL worship. Hit the first note and they are into it full force. But like sheep, people are led by EXAMPLE.

How can we sing about a powerful God and have NO expression on our faces when we’re singing about Him? How do we sing about a good God when we look like we’re ticked off at the whole world while holding a microphone? WHY would ANYONE want to join in with you singing when you look like YOU don’t even believe the words you’re singing?

I have ALWAYS told my teams this – YOU need to worship in order to be a worship leader. I’m NOT the only one leading the people into worship – YOU are too. If you don’t believe the words you’re singing, how are they going to? If you’re not worshipping during the week, if you’re not building your relationship with God during the week then why bother? You’re just going through the motions.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I am NOT super saint where I’m in the word daily every day, all the time. I have stretches of inconsistency that I AM NOT proud of. I allow life to distract me including electronics. I allow stupid distractions to take me away from time I should be spending with God. BUT I give it my best effort at least. Even if it’s taking time to pray while I’m driving or reading a quick verse on the internet and meditating on it.

Take time to LOOK at your team members. Have your media guys film them during a service. Then make them watch it. I wish I could put a mirror up in front of teams sometime and make them see what the people see.

I recently saw one worship leader who reminded me of Eeyore during worship. Very little expression in his face and less expression in his voice when he was speaking to the congregation. I giggled – mainly because it was sad.

I can’t express enough to my team when I’m leading that they need to forget about the people out there and lock themselves into a private place and just WORSHIP the Lord with their WHOLE heart. Stop worrying about how you look, or wondering if people are paying attention to your really cool new outfit and your awesome good hair day, and just WORSHIP WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WITHIN YOU.

It makes a difference – it really, truly does. So I say go for it Worship Leaders! It’s time to take the zombies OUT of the worship team 🙂

Be blessed and have a great day – it’s not an easy job leading people into worship but remember that you’ve been called for “such a time as this….”

I Want to Worship Like Andrew Did….

My husband and I have some pretty in depth conversations in the car.  After many years of leading worship, we’ve seen LOTS of different scenarios in churches of many denominations.  It’s really funny what people “THINK”  worship is.  Some people think worship is the preliminary warm up to the sermon.  Some think it’s a time to listen to some nice music.  Some like to be entertained by it.  Some can’t wait for worship to start so that they can sing, clap, dance.  Some use it as a time to show off their newest dance moves to attract attention to themselves and their “flex-ability”.  Some can’t stand it and can’t wait for it to be over.

For true worshippers it’s something that they live every day.  It IS a part of their lifestyle.  They express themselves from the heart singing with every fiber of their being because they can’t find enough ways to tell God just how awesome He is.  It may be by playing an instrument, or leading worship or being on the worship team as a singer or being part of the media team or the ushers or greeters or the dance team or whatever part of worship you’re involved in.  For those who truly love to worship it is NOT a ritual or a segment of the service.  It’s a celebration.

During our conversation in the car while driving, we started talking about how people act during worship services.  Some participate wholeheartedly.  Some stare at the ground and count the tiles on the floor.  Some stand there with their arms crossed looking at you as if to say, “Could you PLEASE NOT sing that song twice through because I’d really like to get out of here and get on with my day.”  I always chuckle  at those faces.  Those are the ones I try to make eye contact with while I’m leading worship and smile at.  It totally rocks them out of their trance some times. 🙂  (yes I really DID just say that.)

We recalled how a young boy at our old church in Western New York used to worship.  Andrew was a sweet young boy.  He was born with learning disabilities and was autistic, didn’t speak much and had other developmental issues.  BUT when it came to worship, he couldn’t wait to get to church.  He was unable to sing or really express himself the way most people do in worship so for him, worship came by moving every part of his body.  Now some folks thought it was distracting.  Some thought it was silly.  But for those who understand worship and the NEED to worship, it was beautiful.  You see Andrew couldn’t sing like the rest of us, but his soul inside of him worshipped through the movements he felt from the music.  His SOUL was going to worship if not verbally, then it was going to worship physically and that’s exactly what he did.  Every part of him moved, his back, his arms, in sometimes a wavy motion or a bending motion but what caught your eye most was the smile on his face – it was like a HUGE beam of light.

Somewhere in the Bible it talks about birds singing their praise to God and there’s another section that speaks about even the rocks crying out if humans don’t praise God.  As we continued to talk I said to my husband, “Isn’t it amazing that our soul was created with the desperate need to WORSHIP GOD in whatever way it can? That Andrew’s soul had such a need to worship that for him, the way he expressed himself was with his ENTIRE BEING?  What would it be like if people really caught on to the fact that their souls were CREATED to worship God?”

For those who attend church week after week and can’t wait for worship to be done, I wonder what it will be like when they get to heaven and find out that we will be worshipping at the throne of God 24/7 crying, “HOLY! HOLY! HOLY! Is the Lord of Hosts!”

The Bible says we were created to worship God. That’s not just in our singing, our playing of our instruments, our interpretive dance, or whatever form or expression you use to worship but our true worship comes in our every day lives.  Our actions towards others.  Our treatment of our spouses, our children, our extended family and those we come in contact with.  Worship is something we are called to do all the time, with our whole heart, our mind, our soul and our body and yes even our actions.

Well this blog ends on a sad note but not really.  Andrew became ill a few years ago with a virus that took his life when he was in his late teens. BUT as Dave (my husband) and I were wrapping up our conversation, Dave said, “Now Andrew is singing, dancing and worshipping God completely healthy with no limitations….how great is that?”

Let’s all worship like Andrew did from his soul and in the process tear down the walls of “I don’t DO worship” when I’m at church and let our guard down and worship God with everything you’ve got.  I bet you’ll be surprised at how it changes your life.

God Came and Took Dad Art…

This is a testimony of God’s love, goodness and faithfulness up until the very last second of my step dad’s life……

The Mom Adventure

Yesterday morning, April 29, 2014 my “second dad” Art went home to be with the Lord.  None of us expected it.  Sure we knew that SOME DAY it would happen within the next year or so but not as suddenly as it happened.  He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer last September.  It was the second time a diagnosis of cancer had rocked our family within a year. 

I met Dad Art 23  years ago when I met my birth mother. Yes I was adopted at the age of two weeks because my birth mom was too young to keep me at the time and I’m really okay with that because I see God’s hand all over that whole situation.  She selflessly gave me up for a better life than what she could offer me at the time and I am grateful to her for loving me that much…

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