One of the hardest issues for Pastors to deal with in their church is that of Domestic Abuse. Now many think of Domestic Abuse/Domestic Violence as physical beatings. It’s not always that. Abuse takes on many forms – sexual abuse, mental/emotional abuse, financial abuse. It’s probably one of the best hidden secrets that dwells in our congregations because the person being abused is too afraid to say anything for fear that they won’t be believed.
A popular fascade in our churches is that Christian couples always look “so happy.” They look like the ideal couple. They’re on the worship team, they’re deacons or ushers or teach Sunday School. They smile all the time. They dress the part. They look the part. And inside their homes, their marriage is “falling apart.”
Women are afraid to go to leadership with their stories of abuse. Their husband is respected and well liked. No one will believe that they’re going through any type of difficulty. Those who aren’t enduring physical abuse have no outward scars or bruises to show to prove that it’s happening. All they carry is buried deep inside. Harsh words, cruel remarks, threats, and the inward humiliation of being sexually abused by the man who is supposed to love, honor and cherish them – the vows that he took before God and all their friends and family.
I fear that many don’t understand what it’s like to be emotionally or mentally or sexually abused. The person on the receiving end of that abuse if they’ve been in church for any length of time, has learned how to put on a good face. They continue to be involved in church, they praise and worship during the service while screaming out inside for help. They relive during the sermon the memories of the abuse that’s taken place and deal with how dirty they feel because of it. Yet no one – NOT ONE PERSON suspects anything.
Why have we made it so hard for these victims to come to leaders for help? Shouldn’t the church be a place of refuge for them? A sanctuary away from the pain?
Why is it most leaders will tell the woman that it must be her fault that her husband is treating her that way? That she must not be giving him what is biblically his right to have so she needs to do something about it?
In my case it was both sexual and emotional/mental abuse. My first husband, an upstanding, well respected man who was extremely charming and good lucking and who was very spiritual in almost every aspect of his life except on – his addiction to pornography. I was devastated when I learned of it and scared that I would lose him if I didn’t become exciting like those images he saw. I gave into his bringing “things” into our sex life. I gave in to ideas of what he wanted to make things exciting and even accepted the warped excuse that what went goes on between a husband and wife is fine and that the Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled. Well that scripture doesn’t mean you can be married and do whatever you want to do. What that means is that the marriage bed should be kept between the husband and wife and no outside thing should violate it be it pornography or bringing in another person or doing things that the other partner isn’t comfortable with or actions that humiliate them to bring the other sexual gratification.
Being told that you shouldn’t sit on a certain couch cushion all the time or that you let the water run too much when you’re brushing your teeth, or being body shamed, or being criticized for your cooking or being told if you ever put on weight that your husband won’t stay with you is just a small portion of the mental/emotional abuse I endured. I never felt good enough, pretty enough or worthy enough to be with my husband and no matter how many times I told him, he just laughed it off or dismissed me. I never felt secure or cherished or loved. You can feel when someone loves you – I can’t say I felt that way often at all with him. We were so young when we got married and that was probably our first mistake. I was a Pastor’s daughter and he was a deacon’s son and ALL eyes were on us all the time. There’s no way I’d ever open my mouth about things being wrong – it would cause too many waves.
I wanted to run to the church and ask for help but knew that if I did, our positions would be take away from us. My then husband would go ballistic if anyone knew our “business.” I couldn’t go to Christian friends either and going to family was totally out. I was stuck. I had no where to turn.
I cannot stress to Pastors and leaders the importance of allowing yourselves to be approachable. Stop beating around the bush when it comes to the subject of abuse in your church. Don’t assume that the “Ken and Barbie church couple” doesn’t have hidden secrets because they probably do. If they come to you, listen with open hearts and minds TO BOTH SIDES and if it’s too much for you to handle please, refer them to professional counselors that are experienced in that area.
Offer marriage counseling once they’ve confronted the problem. As much as we’d like to believe that God heals anything and everything (and He does, I believe that) I am also smart enough to know from experience that sometimes the hurts and damage reach the point of no return and the marriage is over. In my case, the only thing that kept the marriage together was a diagnosis of leukemia a few weeks after I told my husband I was through with our marriage and made him finally understand the damage that had been done to me. I could have very easily turned my back on him and walked away and left him to deal with his illness alone but I chose to stay because I wanted to honor my vows and deep down, in spite of all the hurt and pain, I still loved him. I was there when he took his last breath. I’m not sorry I stayed but now I’m left to deal with the after shocks of people not understanding why, 19 months following his death, I’m remarried to a wonderful man and have started my life over.
The “secret” of our failed marriage came out to everyone after I found myself having to defend my reasons for starting over shortly after my first husband’s death. His addiction has caused a rift between me and my adult children, some family members and some friends who just can’t “get it” in their heads that there was something very seriously wrong.
It hurts me and angers me because I DID go to family members and in round about ways try to call for help but no one caught on. No one even asked me if everything was ok. What I wouldn’t have given for someone to reach out and say they wanted to help. I now find myself dealing with forgiving him and forgiving myself for doing the things I thought would please him to save our marriage.
Pastors and leaders – I’m begging you to please make the church a place of refuge for those dealing with abuse. “Man up” and confront the addictions, the bad behavior and the sin. Restore and rebuild those involved.
Thank you – if one person is restored because of my plea to you, then this blog entry was worth it.
From the Inside of Church 