The Church’s “Bad RAP”…. are YOU Guilty of this?

You know those times when you’ve heard statements regarding the SAME TOPIC so many times in a short amount of time that you finally get to a point where you HAVE to speak up? Well this is one of those blogs…..

I’ve been in church all my life – I’m one of those “born in the pew” kind of preacher’s kids who, in spite of all they’ve seen and been through in churches, has still remained active in church and has been in paid ministry. In fact I still have a deep love for ministry thus the reason for my passion on various topics that I blog about.

What I’ve heard OVER AND OVER AGAIN recently is WHY people, not just those who are unchurched but those who were brought up in church or those who have attended church for a long time, have stopped attending corporate worship or who keep themselves on the periphery of “church.” The reasons I’ve heard have saddened me to the point of holding back tears and sometimes of wanting to scream. I cannot for the life of me figure out WHY we’ve turned church into such a bad place that people don’t want to be there?

There’s been a lot of personal reasons for me lately to distance myself from corporate worship and I’m going to share just a few of those with you…..

Following my late husband’s death I decided shortly thereafter to move on with my life. My choice of whom I moved on with did not meet other peoples approval because of reasons surrounding how we met etc. Unfortunately those who quickly passed judgment DID NOT seek out both sides of the story and ASSUMED (you know what they say about assuming….) the worst and never bothered to seek out the complete details. This resulted in various rumors, half truths, gossip in the form of an “intervention” at someone’s home (WITHOUT me present), and lots of ugly names being pinned on me. There were extenuating circumstances which led me to move on so quickly that many do not know about and frankly it’s none of their business but God knows and those that care about me and love me have been kind enough to come to me and ask me what was going on and now understand my reasons for doing so. The treatment I received from this “concerned group” at my home church has resulted in hurt that is deep and that has caused me to even have an anxiety attack about attending church on Easter which I worked through the first 20 minutes I was at another church because I will not step foot in my home church that I love and miss so much because those people are there and I won’t put myself through that.

Others that I’ve talked to seem to have the same themes – “we quit going because we can’t stand the gossip and back stabbing” “ I got sick of people being out of touch with the realities of life and hyper spiritualizing everything….” “The church is so full of politics it’s forgotten what the Church is really supposed to be doing” “The Pastor is so concerned with attracting younger people he’s forgotten about those of us who have been faithful and supported the church all these years….” And the list goes on and on but it’s not that I’ve heard these statements just once or twice, it’s repeatedly.

For me another reason I stopped going to church was that a church I was affiliated with for teaching wanted me to leave when I became involved with my fiancé – and get this – the MAIN reason was because the Pastor was concerned about what ANOTHER church would think about me teaching there. Let’s not consider the part of scripture that talks about taking care of widows and orphans, OR being concerned with someone’s soul – NO, his reason was how HE was going to LOOK in front of this other ethnic church in the area. Forget the fact that I NEEDED that job to support myself as a widow OR that I was NOT A CONTRACTED employee but an outside vendor at the time. Disappointed and hurt would be just a few words I would use regarding this Pastor that I respected for many years.

I could go on and on about the people who have been at the center of the hurt I’ve experienced lately. How they’ve encouraged discord and strife between me and my children instead of healing and reconciliation. Or how they in their own lives didn’t do the right thing while they were in ACTIVE ministry when it came to their personal lives (including fornication) or while they were attending church but kept it hidden. Funny how so many have dog poop in their own backyard’s that they can’t walk two steps without getting their shoes dirty but they’re quick to point out the ONE pile of poop you have in yours and make it into a mountain. They want you to exercise grace towards them but the grace YOU receive will be conditional from them.

What grieves me the MOST is when I think about what the church’s original job was in scripture, is that we have done nothing but give GOD a bad name. People automatically, churched or unchurched, associate Christians or “Christ followers” with words like “hypocrite” “Fake” “two faced” “Judgemental” or “self righteous” “money hungry” “users” and “social club.”   WOW – is THIS what we really want people to think of a loving, compassionate, merciful God? One who sent His Son for them and for us?

Through the years I’ve learned A LOT about God and what He is not – and unfortunately I can say that He is NOT what we see portrayed by some (notice I said SOME not ALL) Pastors and church people. What is more upsetting though is that those “church people” are never confronted about their behavior and allowed to continue what they’re doing without ever being told of the destruction they’ve left in the path they’ve walked.

Why is that? Well after being on staff at large and small ministries, I’ve learned that it can range from reasons that they are the “largest givers”, “have connections in the community” “they’ve been in the church the longest and are founding members” “they’re influential” “they’re very well liked” or they just plain out scare the tar out of the Pastor. So the behavior is allowed to continue and the damage keeps going. Another reason is that some Pastors just do NOT like confrontation and will avoid it at all costs.

I hate to sound like one of those “in the old days” types but I can tell you that my grandfather who was a pastor had no problems confronting issues and attitudes in the church “back in the day.” That’s not how it is now – it’s too messy or too draining to do that so the reign of terror continues.

Does this blog sound like I’m disgusted with church? Yes it does. Am I disgusted and upset with God – ABSOLUTELY NOT. If anything, what I’ve seen the last few years regarding the behaviors of those in church and those in leadership grieves me to no end and makes me want to be the opposite kind of leader they are and the opposite kind of Christian that the world sees from church people. It makes me more aware of what I want to be as far as the characteristics of God. I may have flaws and my life is NOT perfect by any means right now but I can tell you I am striving more and more each day to have God help me be the woman He’s called me to be, to allow me to show His love and compassion, to be a light and to help me walk as right as possible while I’m working my way back to Him.

My hope is that this blog strikes a chord in leaders and Pastors and that they will become bolder to find out both sides of a story before taking a side, that they will call their members on the carpet for these actions and attitudes and that they in their own lives will be careful how they represent Christ to others in the church and outside of the church.  That they will “keep it real” and that they will work towards changing the misconceptions that are out there about church and what the job of the church really is so that we can represent Christ for the loving, compassionate, merciful, joy-filled, HEALING God that He is.

Is Church Making You Sick? (humorous and not so humorous)

I’m sure after reading the title I’ve piqued your interest.  The title could be taken many ways but I’m referring to it in the vain of when the stress of church can actually make you PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY sick,

I grew up a Pastor’s kid as most of you may know if you’ve been following this blog.  That means born in the pew, never missed a service unless I was near death and spent more time in the church building than I did my own house.   I sort of had a triple whammy.  My Grandfather was the founding Pastor, my dad was the English speaking Pastor and my Uncle was the Italian speaking in our church – it was a bi-lingual non-denominational pentecostal church.  I couldn’t get away from the pastor connection thing no matter how hard I tried because my other grandfather was a pastor too, my grandfather’s brother was a pastor, my dad’s brother was a pastor, my dad’s brother in law was a Pastor and I have several cousins who are pastors.  We are FULL of Pastors in this family.  Not sure if that means we’re gluttons for punishment or we genuinely LOVE serving God and people but our you could always count on finding someone at a family function to pray. 🙂

Being from a Pastor’s family you’re very much aware of things that are going on around you.  Besides being a member of the “ruling monarchy” where your entire life is a fishbowl with what feels like 24 hours surveillance on you, you also “hear” things about the people in the church.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

My parents should have moved my bedroom to another spot in the house because we lived in a small cape cod style home in Upstate NY and the hallways were short and the bedrooms close.  My parents obviously figured that I was asleep and couldn’t hear them talking from my bedroom whether they were in the living room or their own bedroom but I heard EVERY word.  In fact, I’d lay there and practically break my neck trying to hear what they were saying.

I could catch the latest scoop on who was having marital issues, who’s husband drank too much, who was whining because they weren’t married yet and their biological clock was ticking, who was gossiping about who and which person this week you had to keep your eye on because they were trying to cause trouble in church.

Now please don’t take this the wrong way but in the culture I come from, some of the people tend to be “drama queens” both male and female.  THEY LOVE drama.  It’s just the way they’re wired – it’s as irritating as poison ivy but it’s the truth.  If felt like our church had more than it’s share of drama queens though.

Anyway – I don’t want to get off topic.  The amount of things that you hear when you’re in ministry can really get to you.  If you’re the Pastor or the Pastor’s wife, you have the unbelievable privilege to be the one people call, the one who hears their complaints, their “side” of the story, the one who gets to hear all the things you’re doing wrong, all the things your kids are doing wrong, etc.

You’re the victim of gossip, of two faced people, of not being able to have a person you can trust in confidence to talk things out (at least not in the church), and you keep alot to yourself.

My Grandfather was my first “protector”.  He was the most incredible man.  I was “grandpa’s girl” mainly because he lived with our family but he never let my mom discipline me and even told her one time that if she spanked me, he’d hit her back. I shouldn’t laugh every time I tell that story but it’s true.  He let NO ONE touch me.  My grandfather was a work horse from day one.  He worked a regular job and travelled to a couple of different towns on the weekends to preach services for small groups of italian congregations that needed a Pastor.  My grandmother died when my mom was seven years old.  They had four children at the time and my grandmother was in her mid 30’s and died from what they called, “Acute indigestion” which translates now into a heart attack.  He was left to raise those girls and depended on his oldest daughter to stay with them when he couldn’t be there.

They finally moved to Rochester and he acquired a church building for them to meet in.  He was the person that did everything that needed to be done in the church until my mom grew up and married my dad who by then was all ready a Pastor for a church in the Southern Tier of NY.   My other Uncle was now preaching there as well. The congregation grew and so did the trouble.  Things like letters from one Pastor to another were given to my grandfather warning him of a congregants bad behavior and tendency to cause problems in church.  There were fights about buildings, service times, who wanted to be on the church board – you name it, we had the drama.

I noticed the illness factor in my grandfather when I was about nine years old.  He was in and out of the hospital alot when I was a child.  He had stomach problems my mom would tell me until I learned later on that it was ulcers.  He kept alot inside about the things he endured as a Pastor.  The personal attacks, the people trying to split the church.

My mom, bless her heart,  went through some tough scrutiny, some nasty bouts of verbal attacks against her and her sisters and her dad, and it continued and got worse as she became one of the Pastor’s wives.  She was “very nervous.”  THAT would be an understatement.  My mom was as high strung as a Jack Russell terrier on Espresso.  She bit her nails, she had headaches, tons of stomach issues and even had a bout with colon cancer when I was six years old. She didn’t sleep well at night.  She and my father argued constantly about the things people from church would say when the phone rang over and over again EVERY Monday following the Sunday services while dad was working his full time job.

All that “nervousness” transferred itself to me because I started having stomach issues when I was about 10 years old and finally the pediatrician told my parents that I too had a “nervous stomach.”  My grandfather died shortly thereafter.  I was devastated.  No more learning to count in italian, no more stories about pagans and how I needed to stay away from the things of the world, no more stories, no more rides on his knee and no more hugs.  My dad and my uncle were now solely responsible for the church.  That was an interesting transition.

As the years went on, my aunt (who’s husband was the italian pastor), developed angina and a heart condition.  She finally got to the point where she couldn’t go to church because it would make her so nervous that she’d get chest pain and would be popping a couple of nitroglycerin pills during service and end up going home. My mom of course would get nervous because of it and basically it was a bundle of nerves the entire time.

My aunt passed away three days before her scheduled by pass surgery from a heart attack.  My uncle was heart broken.  There were very much in love.

My mom continued with the health issues – gall bladder attacks leading to surgery, unbelievable bouts with insomnia over ‘church stuff”.  My dad buried himself in overtime at Kodak and in doing things at church.  I sought refuge by getting involved in school stuff and taking on the role of Pastor’s wife because my mom had stopped going to church.  I hosted church dinners, I worked in the nursery, I sat in the church during counseling appointments in another room, I attended every service – and we had church FIVE times a week.  Thank God I was able to do homework during church. 🙂

My dad starting having health issues.  He ended up in the hospital needing surgery because his stomach was so messed up.  He recovered and was back at church immediately.

I developed migraine headaches at the age of nine.  I later found out those were stress related and hormone related.

Yeah – it was pretty much a mess in our house.

Let’s fast forward to my adult years.  I’ve endured my share of migraines, stomach pains and anxiety attacks from ministry positions.  I’ve seen my husband do the same.  I’ve seen us have sleepless nights. Our kids have seen the physical effects and the emotional effects of us being in ministry positions over the years.  Neither of my kids will attend church because of what they’ve seen us endure and what they heard their grandparents went through.  It saddens me more than I can put into words.

So if you’re finding yourself having sleepless nights, bad headaches, stiff necks, stomach pains, and whatever else I’m going to ask you to do this…..STOP IT.  IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

My father died from a massive heart attack two weeks following his 70th birthday.  He had resigned his position as pastor about two years earlier and my mom said he was stressed from something including some property that he was trying to hold onto from his childhood for the sake of another family member being able to live there.  She told me that for years before that he had recurring nightmares and would wake up hollering in his sleep.  She said that his blood pressure had been high.  It’s amazing the things your parents don’t tell you once you get married and move out of the house because they don’t want you to worry.  She told me he was quite hurt from the way he’d been treated before he resigned.  He had gotten to the point that after over 40 years of ministry, he had finally had enough.  He had to get out.   It was too much.

My mother died of colon cancer in 2005 and I can tell you as sure as I’m sitting here it was because of the bitterness she harboured until her last breath against the people that hurt her and our family so much over the years.  She could recall incidences as clear and as fresh as the day they happened up until a couple of weeks before she passed away.  I know this for a fact because she visited me six weeks before she died and and got on the tangent of what so and so did and I looked at her and said, “Mommy, PLEASE let it go.  They’ve moved on.  YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON TOO.”  By that time the bitterness had become so much a part of her that she got mad at me for saying that even though I KNEW she knew I was right.

My Uncle who was the italian Pastor died from cancer as well.  My cousin found a box of his diaries recounting all the things that went on in the church, the pain it cause him, the pain it caused my aunt, how it broke his heart and even recounting where a church member grabbed his by the neck.    If you knew my uncle, he was a humble, quiet man who wouldn’t hurt a flea.  He worked as a barber to support his family.  He loved his family and he loved people and most of alll he loved the Lord with his entire being – it showed the minute  you saw him.

About two years ago my husband and I were attending a church, I had been asked by the pastor’s wife to take over the Womens Ministry because she was spread too thin.  I gladly took it on.  She asked me to fill in for worship when they went on vacation.  I gladly did that too.  I found out that she eventually started feeling threatened and told her husband that he needed to get us out of the church.  I had developed a successful moms ministry there, had developed a strong Womens Ministry and the people liked the way I led worship.  He called us in, ripped us up one side and down the other, said some hurtful and hateful things and we told him we were done.  We would leave his church since that’s what they wanted.

I was so hurt – I  cried – I cried alot.  My husband was angry – so angry.  We both got angry at God.  And we both started getting sick too – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We stopped going to church.  We stopped reading our bibles. We just stopped everything.  And it was a horrible time in our lives.  It wasn’t until we hit rock bottom without God as a main part in our life that we finally realized that what the things we saw over the years and recently were NOT God’s fault.  What we had endured was at the hands of people – some very screwed up people.    We realized that we needed to ask God for forgiveness and we started to attend church.  My walls were up – I dragged my feet.  I didn’t want to be back in church.  I shook physically to the point of rattling when I walked into church again.  i popped prozac before going.  I did that for about six weeks.  Little by little, things got better.  And little by little, because of God’s grace, His love and His mercy, we are at a point in our lives now that God is THE MOST important person in our lives and that He has restored to us the joy of our salvation, our peace of minds and our desire to be in ministry.  We also started to attend a church that has showed us love and support in ways I can’t even put into words especially when my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia in November of 2012.  The Pastors and the church family have been great.   We are back and active again and my husband is doing amazing!

My friend, DO NOT allow the enemy to let church swallow you up to the point of illness, to the point of strife in your home, to the point of feeling like you can’t find peace.  Realize that PEOPLE ARE HUMAN – THEY WILL MESS YOU UP and that you CANNOT allow that to shroud your view of God and how GOOD and LOVING and MERCIFUL and AMAZING GOD IS.

If you can remove yourself from the situation, then do so.  Even if it hurts.  But in the long run it will be worth it.  Confront what needs confronting because then and only then you can CONQUER it.  God NEVER intended for church to make you sick – EVER.  There were issues back in the Bible days but even now, we need to keep our eyes and our minds on God and HIM ONLY.